To Thine Own Self Be True

Last week Maui OnStage closed Elf the Musical. In one of the central musical numbers, “SparkleJollyTwinkleJingeley,” Buddy the Elf sings, “To thine own elf be true,” an allusion to the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3:

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

The message is the same in either case—live authentically no matter what others think, and in both word and deed tell the truth about who you are.

I count this excellent advice, but I’ve struggled to live it in my own life. I’ve made a serious and grounded effort in recent months, and learned that (right now) I’m really bad at it.

To be fair, I’m bad at it because I’ve never really done it before, and (as with any skill) it takes practice to be true to yourself. It’s so much easier to do and be what others—especially those you respect and love—want than it is to do and be who you are, particularly when you fear the "real you” won’t be liked as well as the easygoing, uncomplaining, compliant “you” you’ve always been.

For someone like me—with decades of practice discounting his own worth and for all those years utterly dependent on the esteem of others—it is terrifying to assert yourself when it might not be what others want and you really like being liked!

It’s easier to keep up the pretense…

Easier, but dishonest. That’s what came to me this morning (although I have been trying to be true to myself in various ways for more than a year).

Polonius is saying that one must be true to oneself in order to be dependably “true” to (honest with) others. By always sacrificing my own desires in order to please others, I’ve lied to them about who I really was. I’ve deceived them—if they like me, they don’t like the real me, but rather the Stepford “me” I created for them to like.

I’m trying to assert myself more—to be authentically who I am, to do what I actually want to do and to not do what I don’t want to do—but I’ve been clumsy about it. It’s a new thing to me, of course I’ve been clumsy, and I’ve sometimes been strident rather than gracious. Doubtless I’ve hurt some feelings (although I never meant to), and I’ve likely given people the wrong impression as to why I’m suddenly doing things I previously didn’t and refusing things I previously accepted. All that is my responsibility…“clumsy” can explain it but not excuse it. If you are among those I’ve hurt, all unwitting, I apologize. And I’ll try to be clearer and classier in the future.

That’s not to say I’m going to go back to being the acquiescent, compliant guy you may have met a few years ago. I’ll find a easygoing, classy and considerate way to assert myself, but I’ll continue to assert myself. What I want and what I care about matter, and acting as though they don’t (or worse, hiding what I want and care about) does me a disservice while deceiving those around me.

The world doesn’t need anyone who becomes whatever others want—who lives down to others’ wishes—the world needs each of us to be “true,” even if “true” sometimes also means “contrary.” Conformity lends itself to mediocrity—it is in the blending of diverse natures that our world is made great.