Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays (in my faith tradition, that would be “Merry Christmas!”)

Long-time readers may realize that the holidays often lead me to reflect on (and whine about) my circumstances, especially my relational circumstances. This year is, I think, different—I’ll still reflect on circumstances, but it’s like I’ve put on glasses in the proper prescription: my focus is clearer and I’m predisposed to see abundance rather than lack.

I’ve always allowed society to tell me if I’m “okay”—for years because (like so many others) I believed “society” knew best, and even after I wised up because I longed to belong—and around the holidays the clear cultural definition of “okay” has a lot to do with familial and romantic relationships.

Don’t mistake me—my parents and siblings (and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins) are the absolute best, and their love is the fire that warms me when I'm cold—but that isn’t the kind of family relationship portrayed (in media and story) as “acceptable” for a grown man, and since I don’t have a spouse and children, the holidays (for me) highlighted that “lack.” I felt like a failure because I wasn’t part of that kind of family. And the romantic element—the portrayal of the holiday season as a time for romance (mistletoe, anyone?)—coupled with my profound lifelong longing for romance, and during the holidays I felt like an absolute failure.

Eventually, my habit of reflection helped me look past what society was telling me, but I still longed for (and still long for) romance and spouse and children, and that longing (together with a lingering sense of my own inadequacies) bent my attention always toward what I lacked. As a result I neglected to appreciate all I had. Despite all I had (have!) in my life, I was melancholy whenever society celebrated those things I long for: romance, children, family.

Then, in July of 2012, I moved to Maui. This move has catalyzed big changes in me, changes that continue and multiply, good and positive changes, and among those changes is a change in how I experience the holidays. It didn’t happen overnight, but during this, my third Christmas since moving, I can clearly feel the difference.

I have not stopped longing for romance, children, and family. Those longings are innate, not conditioned by society—society twisted my reaction to those longings, but the longings themselves are neither “good” nor “bad.” I have stopped making those longings (and the lack they imply) the centerpiece of my holiday table. I have stopped judging myself by society’s standards. I have begun to embrace the incredible wealth I enjoy (in personal and spiritual and relational senses) and made that the centerpiece of my holiday table.

As I become more and more aware and appreciative of the abundance in my life, even those longings change character. No more do I feel like an empty vessel, needing to be filled with romance and companionship and children and family—instead I feel like an overflowing vessel and long for those with whom to share the goodness that flows through me. The very nature of my longing has changed, from a hunger to receive to a passion to give.

And that feels good. It feels good to face this season with perhaps a dash of melancholy, though different than what I have felt before, but also with a deep wellspring of gratitude and a powerful sense of fullness, rather than emptiness.

Happy Holidays!