A Sacred and Holy Space

There is a void in my heart. No, not a void but a hollow—a space as real as the silence in music or the “negative space” in visual art—and for most of my life that hollow has boomed like a drum every time anything touched my heart.

I thought the cacophony meant my heart was broken, that I was broken and that it was my fault, and I was ashamed.

Needless to say, these thoughts did not contribute much joy to my life. On the contrary, the noise and what I thought about the noise made me miserable. I was responsible for that misery (we have great power to choose how we think), but it has been the work of a lifetime turning those thoughts around, and I am grateful for all who have helped guide me in that work.

The holidays have typically been difficult for me because so much of what they’re really about touches my heart—the “drum” is always muttering (or shouting) as people and stories and pictures and moments and memories and wishes tap or stroke or bang on my heart—and I never learned to hear that drum’s voice as music.

Never until recently…

As I’ve come to appreciate, even love, who and how I am, come to appreciate and love myself as I am right now, I’ve come to hear the sounds made by that rarely-silent drum as the music it is. And once I could hear the music, I found the courage (only yesterday!) to look at the hollow in my heart that makes the music. and what I see surprised me.

That hollow in my heart shines inside, polished by a million worthy wishes and dreams, wetted by not a few tears. All unknowing, I’ve prepared a place for all I long for, and it is beautiful! It’s beautiful now (though empty)—although it’s empty, it is not emptiness. It is the throat of the voice of the drum of my worthy desires. It is the temple wherein I worship the breath of the voice of the drum of my longing—love, the ultimate contradiction: the intangible tangible.

That hollow is a sacred and holy space, and while it’s meant to be filled, it is no less sacred or holy because it isn’t. It is sacred and holy as it is, and not just in potentia. Without it, there would be no musical drumbeat. Without it, there would be no room for longing. It is necessary and it is beautiful and it is good.

Mele Kalikimaka and much aloha this holiday season and always.