Wednesday, May 9, 2012

In the Beginning

Actually, it's not the beginning. The beginning was a couple of months ago, and like most beginnings, it began with an ending.

I thought the rest of my life was pretty straightforward. I thought I knew the future, at least in general. I thought I could make plans on the basis of what I thought things would be like.

I thought wrong.

In one short week, my prospects went from satisfying-if-a-little-boring to grotesque-and-miserable. Things (and people) I thought I could count on changed or turned their coats. My mundane-but-satisfying professional life became a horror.

I still like what I do (I'm a school teacher) and I still like those I serve (students), and I still like and respect (most of) my colleagues. But the well was poisoned, and if I stay, I'll have no choice but to drink it.

That's no way for a self-respecting human being to live if s/he has another choice, and luckily, I do.

(I'm not knocking those who for good and sufficient reasons can't or shouldn't do what I'm—in fact, I envy you your spouses and families and the like—it's just that, for the first time in my life, the lack of those blessings is a positive. If I enjoyed those blessings—and I consider them to be great blessings—there would be no Renegade, "reluctant" or otherwise.)

That rather ugly ending catalyzed my evolution from respectable, predictable, mostly-conforming upright citizen to renegade. It has helped me confront my fears and insecurities, it has forced me to do what is best for me, it has pushed me far out of my comfort zone...and I'm glad. I'm afraid, but I'm exhilarated, too.

As I have evolved, so have my plans. I began the application process for employment in Hawai`i as a teacher while at the same time exploring other opportunities nationwide, with the thought that Hawai`i was my first choice and other options were great consolation prizes and that if nothing else manifested, I'd suck it up and drink the poison ("for just one more year") while I pursued the same kinds of opportunities and additionally applied to MFA (Master of Fine Arts: sort of the PhD of arts disciplines) programs.

But in just a couple of weeks the poison had begun to work on me, and I had to scratch "suck it up" off the list of viable choices. I had to get out; staying was intolerable to me. I began thinking about leaving even if nothing was on offer, and that's when the fear really hit.

I like my security. I like stability. I am not averse to change, but I like to manage it to minimize risk. What I was contemplating offered no security, not stability, and no possibility of managing the risk. It would be a leap of faith.

I don't want you to think that I did all this thinking and considering on my own. I discussed everything with family and friends, all of whom have been enormously supportive throughout. I bounced ideas off my sainted mother and no matter how radical and reckless they were, she saw possibilities in them. My siblings likewise have contributed and continue to contribute to my evolution. Friends and theatre family are part of the collective that has helped me think and choose.

I also don't want you to think I'm unaware of the precious treasures I'm leaving behind, in the form of family, friends, colleagues, students, activities, experiences, and opportunities. I'm keenly aware of the cost of making so radical a change. I count it daily, and treasure the time I have, knowing how short that time is.

Yes, I've decided.

And to make it difficult for me to chicken out, I submitted my letter of resignation last week, effective at the end of this school year's contract term. I'm cutting the cords that bound and secured me to this job, this district, this life. I'm going to rent my house, pack my household, up and go.

If nothing in the way of opportunities is on offer, I'll take myself to Hawai`i, to sink or swim. If I haven't heard by the first of June, I'll buy a one-way ticket and see what I can make of it.

I'm going. I'm going. In some ways, I'm already gone.

I'm going renegade.

No comments:

Post a Comment