Chrysalis

(In this post, I talk about how things seem to me. I wouldn't want any of my dear friends or family to see in this a criticism of them: I know that you have my best interests at heart. Never doubt that I love, honor, and respect you. Never doubt that I will miss everything about you. Never doubt that this is about me—selfishly self-absorbedly me—and not about you, though it may read differently. It's hard to write about this without seeming to make others the problem.)

I've been pondering the implications of this move for my sense of self—my identity as I see me, influenced by how others see me—and the prospects excite me.

Like anyone, I am influenced by my environment, and I'm realizing that sometimes a familiar environment inhibits change. It isn't something anyone chooses; it just happens. Once you are settled into a place, there's a tendency to stay the way you were when you entered that place; it's familiar and predictable, and if you don't change you know what to expect of others.

By the same token, we tend to (unconsciously!) put pressure on others to remain the way they are, even if we sincerely (consciously!) believe they need to make changes. If an acquaintance or friend changes habits or attitudes or whatever, we tend (without malice or even intent) to put pressure on them to be what they've always been. Maybe we tease them (never consciously intending to influence them) or we react badly to what's new and different about them, or we remind them of how they were before the change, or we make a big deal of what's different. None of these are (consciously!) intended to influence our friends, but all of them can.

That's how peer pressure works: it isn't people telling you to do what they want you to do; rather it's people subtly and usually unintentionally, through thousands of indirect signals, indicating the way of conformity.

Conformity has its place. A society depends on a modicum of conformity for its security and stability. Peer pressure is not automatically and necessarily a bad thing, and at least to a point, conformity helps us all get along.

Change is uncomfortable at best. When those we care about change, we are (unconsciously!) uneasy. So without malice and without intent, we tend to apply pressure opposing change, sometimes even as we verbally and consciously encourage change. We don't even know we're doing it.

What's all this got to do with my move and my sense of self?

Most of my dear friends and family would agree that there is room in my life for positive, affirmative, meaningful and significant change. I've been told on numerous occasions (and I've agreed wholeheartedly) that I ought to change this or I ought to change that. It's true; in order to find greater fulfillment, I must change.

So why haven't I?

Because in the place and society I've been in for the last umpteen years, I've been comfortable. Not always happy, not always fulfilled, but comfortable. And it is hard to surrender comfort.

That's where this move becomes relevant. By moving—to a place where I don't really know anyone, where the culture is different, where everything is different—I've already surrendered comfort, and, freed of the (unconscious!) impulse to please people I know by being what I've always been, I am primed to reinvent myself.

Could I do it here? Sure I could. Would I?

Well...

So far, I haven't.

I'm not certain I'll do it there, but I think a fresh start offers an amazing opportunity. And some of the things (and some of the people) that have come into my life in the last two months have catalyzed the coming change. I feel like I'm just about to enter a chrysalis, and the butterfly I'm destined to be will be emerge in Hawai`i.

Yet without the experiences and influences and relationships I've had in this environment, I would not be ready to spin my cocoon. Without you (and you know who you are), I would never have found the courage to take the next step. Without this—all of this: good and bad, encouraging and discouraging, joyous and sorrowful—I would not be who I am and could not be who I will become.

As this caterpillar wraps himself up in silk, he wraps up the treasures that are you and here and tucks them next to his heart. He's taking you and here with him, for he cannot bear to be altogether parted.

Aloha!