Once upon a time, I was a mess, especially with respect to romantic love relationships. If you want to argue that I’m still a mess, well, I won’t dispute the assertion, although I will argue that I’m a much more interesting and pleasant mess than I was before.
Once upon a time, I chained my happiness to my romantic circumstances; if I was in a romantic relationship, I was (ecstatically!) happy, and when (usually) I wasn’t, I was miserable. I held others responsible for my happiness (unfair!), and then made it nearly impossible for potential romantic partners to care about me—I was (am) shy, I had (but no longer!) a terrible self image, I was deathly afraid of being hurt so I erected walls around me that effectively kept others out—then I bemoaned the “fate” I’d made for myself.
This went on for decades (yes, literally decades). Over time, I came to understand intellectually what was going on and how I was sabotaging myself, but it wasn’t until quite recently that I broke through all that and made not just a new understanding but a new experience. Since then, I’ve reclaimed responsibility for my happiness, begun really loving myself, and opened myself up to all manner of possibility.
Make no mistake, I still long for a romantic relationship—I have always been a sappy romantic—but the changes that have, I believe, made a romance much more likely have also made me much more comfortable with whatever will be. I am a great and worthy guy—given the opportunity, I will be a very good partner—but if such a relationship doesn’t manifest, I’ll be fine. I love and will go on loving, whether my love is requited or not, because it is the right thing (for me) to do.
Thinking about it this morning, I saw a parallel between the way I now see love and the way I have long considered the afterlife. A simplistic theology suggests we should behave well and do “right” in this life in order to win a reward (or avoid punishment) in the next. I reject that idea; I choose to do “right” because it is the right thing to do, without thought of reward, and I believe that is the very best reason for doing the right thing.
Likewise in love, I do not love in hopes that my love will be requited (okay, part of me hopes for that outcome, but not the greater part). Rather, I love because I am loving, and because loving is the right thing to do. I think it likely that the more loving I am (romantically or otherwise), the more likely I am to be requited, but it won’t necessarily work out that way, and that’s okay.
I am currently “in love” with someone (in fact, since I’ve no actual romantic relationship with anyone at the moment, I’m “in love” with more than one “someone”). I harbor some hope but no expectation that I will be requited, and while it would be wonderful if it were, it isn’t necessary to my joy and satisfaction. I enjoy the giddy flutter in my stomach, I enjoy the passionate yearning, I enjoy the state of being “in love” and it hurts no one, not even me.
I am sometimes a little sad at the thought that I may love unrequited for the rest of my life, but that sadness passes quickly; I know that my life is ephemeral—I’m not guaranteed so much as the next moment—so I will love while I can.
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