Had a conversation today that got the old gears turning. A friend asked what it would mean for me to “raise a little hell,” and I proposed something ridiculous: “Give a girl a false name and number, go home with her, disappear the next morning? Hell, I don’t know; I've never raised hell before.”
Before you react too strongly, let me finish. A little later in the conversation I qualified my suggestion—“It really isn’t my nature, you know”—which led me to wonder, “Of course, that may be the point. Maybe what I'm doing—maybe what I need to do—is transcend what I think of as ‘my nature.’”
I’m not suggesting that what I ought to do is become a “playah.” (I’m not saying it isn’t, either—it’s an honest question: “What does it mean to ‘transcend’ one’s nature?”) What I am suggesting—or maybe what I’m wondering—is that—if—transcendence is something so far outside outside one’s usual behavior that whether or not something is “one’s nature” is actually irrelevant.
This whole adventure “isn’t my nature,” which is part of my reason for doing it. I am not altogether satisfied with who and how I’ve been. Going to Hawai‘i—without concrete prospects or a fat savings cushion or a concrete, detailed plan (or even an escape route)—is significantly about reinventing myself as someone more confident, more daring, more carefree than has been “my nature.” That’s a big part of the point.
Maybe you can see how all this relates to a casual suggestion that what I ought to do is “raise a little hell” and subsequent ridiculous wise-assing about what that might entail?
There are few circumstances I can imagine in which I would intentionally deceive someone: not for big, life and death issues and certainly not merely for selfish gratification. And the whole thing smacks of using someone; not a value I endorse or subscribe to.
What I’m trying to do is invent myself as someone with the confidence often associated with the kind of asshole who would do those things, but without the asshole-ishness.
Because really, there are enough assholes in the world without me adding to their number.
at the end of this transformation I still want to be the compassionate, caring, considerate, loving, all around awesome guy I am right now.
But I want some swagger, too.
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Getting a Grip: Seize the Day
Carpe Diem.
A lot of us first heard "Carpe Diem" (seize the day) in the movie Dead Poets Society. It's a great principle—maybe a fundamental principle for those who dare—and it encompasses ideas like:
Because I've set aside unwarranted worry about what others think and paralyzing fear about how others will respond. Neither the worry nor the fear are gone—I think that vestiges of them will be with me always—but where once they had primacy in my considerations they are now relegated to the rearmost ranks.
Before, if I wanted something I would hesitate to reach for it, fearful that my hand would be slapped. Now, if I want something I reach out boldly. My hand might be slapped, but so far it hasn't been, and if it should, so what? The lesson isn't "Don't reach for what you want," the lesson is "Don't reach for that particular example of what you want." I've been learning the wrong lesson, but I'm finally getting it right.
My life is changing. Not particularly in noble ways, nor at all in ignoble ways; just changing. Change can be "good," and change can be "bad," but change can also just be change, and that's what I'm experiencing. The changes I'm experiencing are for the most part morally neutral, but they make me bolder, happier, more confident, more comfortable, and more transparent (if such a thing is possible).
So Carpe Diem—Seize the Day... and take a good, firm grip. The more unpredictable the challenges, the more important that grip is. Hang on tight—it might be a bumpy ride—but don't hold back for that reason; the tornado might just take you to Oz.
A lot of us first heard "Carpe Diem" (seize the day) in the movie Dead Poets Society. It's a great principle—maybe a fundamental principle for those who dare—and it encompasses ideas like:
- don't wait for the perfect moment
- conformity is not required
- live in the now
- "you only live once" (and yes, I know that's a cliché and I hate the acronymification of it as "YOLO," but the implications of that phrase are apt)
Because I've set aside unwarranted worry about what others think and paralyzing fear about how others will respond. Neither the worry nor the fear are gone—I think that vestiges of them will be with me always—but where once they had primacy in my considerations they are now relegated to the rearmost ranks.
Before, if I wanted something I would hesitate to reach for it, fearful that my hand would be slapped. Now, if I want something I reach out boldly. My hand might be slapped, but so far it hasn't been, and if it should, so what? The lesson isn't "Don't reach for what you want," the lesson is "Don't reach for that particular example of what you want." I've been learning the wrong lesson, but I'm finally getting it right.
My life is changing. Not particularly in noble ways, nor at all in ignoble ways; just changing. Change can be "good," and change can be "bad," but change can also just be change, and that's what I'm experiencing. The changes I'm experiencing are for the most part morally neutral, but they make me bolder, happier, more confident, more comfortable, and more transparent (if such a thing is possible).
So Carpe Diem—Seize the Day... and take a good, firm grip. The more unpredictable the challenges, the more important that grip is. Hang on tight—it might be a bumpy ride—but don't hold back for that reason; the tornado might just take you to Oz.
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