Just As I Am

Like most folk, for most of my life I accepted the judgment of “the world” regarding certain of my character traits—ranging from introversion and shyness to my particular attractions and interests—and strove to change them. When I didn’t conform to the norms of the culture I grew up in, I received the message loud and clear—“There’s something wrong with you; you don’t belong”—and I took that message to heart; I accepted it as the truth.

And I hungered for belonging… My craving for belonging drove my drinking, my drug use, my materialism, and the many masks I wore in an attempt to hide my strangeness and fit in. Yet nothing I did gave me satisfaction; when I was a part of the “in” crowd, I knew I was a fake and I feared getting caught pretending. I ingested enormous pain with the constant thought that the “real me” was a misfit, belonging nowhere, and with the pressure of maintaining the facade that I believed was the only answer to loneliness.

Eventually I tired of trying to maintain the artifice; it was too much work keeping up appearances, and all my efforts to change those character traits amounted to nothing more than abiding frustration. I still believed society’s judgments and therefore considered myself broken; I resigned myself to the rubbish heap where the broken repose. I wasn’t happy, but I made peace with things as I thought them to be.

But that was then.

Now is another story, a better story. Now, I know that “the world” has got it wrong. Now, I know that I’m perfect just as I am; that I don’t need fixing, that forcing myself to conform is denial of the awesomeness that is me, that I am worthy and lovable and loved just as I am by those who belong in my life (and to whom I belong).

I’m done trying to “overcome” introversion and shyness, I’m done apologizing for who I like and what attracts me! I’m done regretting my age and past follies and the things I cannot (and need not) change. I am what I am, and what I am is glorious, as are those who embrace me as I am and appreciate my quirks and idiosyncrasies (those who don’t—who can’t—are glorious, too, but I don’t owe them any more than anyone owes me).

All that I long for is mine already, and the timing is perfect. I’m not—I’ll never be—“too old” or “too shy” or “too weird”; I’m me, and that’s amazing.

And best of all, the same is true of you.

Be awesome, my friends…be awesome.

Boundaries

It’s interesting how the world works. We start with limitless potential and possibility. Over time, our decisions create the context of our lives, including boundaries and restrictions. Our possibilities are bounded by those boundaries and restrictions. And there’s nothing wrong with boundaries and restrictions; they are necessary components of our lives. Without them, we might never know any sense of security.

What happens, though, is that we sometimes lose sight of the fact that we’ve created a context that includes boundaries and restrictions; we think that the context we’ve made is all that there is. We are blinded by the choices we’ve made.

Then something happens and we make new decisions—sometimes just one new decision—that obliterate those boundaries we’ve stopped noticing and we find ourselves faced once again with limitless potential and possibility.

That’s what happened to me this year. I had made choices—good choices, choices I was happy with—and over time those choices and the choices that derived from them and the choices that came after that created a (really, pretty great) world, but one past the end of which I couldn’t see.

Then something happened that exploded that world, and suddenly I was faced with limitless potential and possibility.

And it was scary.

It was scary, but it was also exciting. It was exhilarating. It was like taking off a pair of too-tight shoes at the end of the day; I’d stopped noticing how tight they were until my feet were free.

If I wasn’t going to stay where I was, I could go anywhere. Anywhere! The whole world opened up before me!

It was awesome.

Then I began making decisions. It isn’t possible to go “anywhere”—one has to choose a single place. I considered many places—North Carolina, Idaho, Washington, Utah, Hungary, the Middle East—but my heart was inexorably drawn to Hawai‘i, and once I decided that was where I intended to be, my scope narrowed.

I’ve had to stay flexible, of course—since it’s impossible to be fully self-sufficient, my decisions have been predicated on circumstances as well as my own desires and intentions—but each decision has defined a new context and begun creating a new world. Just Tuesday I decided to accept an employment offer, which more sharply defines the new boundaries of my new world.

I will teach 8th grade English/Language Arts at Lahaina Intermediate School in Lahaiana on Maui.

This decision dictates:

• who I’ll meet
• where I look for a home (Lahaina, Kā‘anapali, Wailuka, Kihei)
• how much I pay for a home
• where I get a post office box
• what it will cost to insure my motorcycle
• what activities I’ll be able to engage in
• how I approach my job
• what I do outside my job
• how often I go to church and where

so many aspects of temporal existence. Some things are possible, but without changing this decision, other things are not.

That’s okay. That’s the consequence of free will; every decision opens up some possibilities and closes off others.

It’s a new world, different than the one I am leaving, but both are largely of my making, and while I’m going to miss much of my old life, I’m excited to discover what unexpected opportunities and challenges this new world has for me.

Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative

One of the few Facebook apps I bother with is Messages From God, not because I think they are what the name suggests—I am well aware that the app is a computerized engine for randomly picking an "inspirational" missive from a database—but rather because sometimes the message is inspirational and often surprisingly apt.

This morning's Message From God had some great tidbits in it:

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that today is going to be a great day.
Don't start your day with a negative attitude. It's hard to understand why so many people wake up each morning feeling defeated when each day holds so much potential. The possibilities that today offers are endless, so eagerly anticipate wonderful happenings. It's easy to let blessings go by unnoticed if you're not looking.

For most of the last couple of months, I've been caught like a fly in amber negativity. Sure, I've had reason to be—I've had some pretty negative experiences (but really, who hasn't?)—but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to dwell on the negative. Sure, it's understandable, natural, all too human...but that doesn't mean it is right. Negativity doesn't do anything to eliminate negativity; rather, it reinforces it.

The best counter to negativity is positivity (and not just or only a positive attitude, although it starts with that). A positive attitude—an optimistic and hopeful attitude—go a long way toward eliminating the negative, but once that attitude is in place, action gets the job done.

Over the last couple of weeks, although I hadn't actually consciously decided what I was going to do with my future, the decision to just go was crystalizing in my subconscious mind, and people noticed. They may not have known what my decision was—some may not have known there was a decision pending—but as that decision worked its way into my psyche, my demeanor changed. People started saying things like, "You look more relaxed," "You glow," "Your smile is back." And once I bought my one-way ticket and committed myself in deed to this path, the effect became even more pronounced.

Even amid the stresses and sorrow that accompany the decision, I feel my heart lifting. I've cast off the burden of negativity I've been carrying for months, now.

I don't know how this adventure is going to turn out. I don't think that's knowable at this point in the journey. All I know is this: by acting on a positive impulse (albeit one stimulated by an incredibly negative experience), I am reaping dividends of the soul.

So "don't start your day with a negative attitude" (no matter how justified you are in having one). Find optimism and hope. "The possibilities that today offers are endless, so eagerly anticipate wonderful happenings." Don't "let blessings go unnoticed" because "you're not looking."

Keep your eyes open; blessings are all around you: in people, in places, in things.

And if you what you see in your path isn't what you want, change course! I'm not saying you should quit your job, rent your house, and move to Hawai`i without any specific prospects (although I'm not saying you shouldn't); what I'm saying is, act on positive impulses, on optimism and hope. Act to change your destiny... it isn't predetermined and you can remake it (and yourself) whenever you choose.

Look at me. Those of you who know me know that I tend to be risk-averse; that I tend to put others' needs ahead of my own; that I tend to accomodate myself to others' plans and intentions; that I tend to adapt and get along, rather than act and move along. But those are my proclivities, not my destiny. When adequately provoked, even a mouse can roar and a leopard can change its spots. If you don't like who you are or where you are going, change!

For me, right now, nothing could be worse than not trying to change. For me, it feels healthier to fail spectacularly attempting something magnificent (the risk I run) than it would to succeed modestly attempting mediocrity.

As I posted in One Foot on a Banana Peel a while ago, My Awesome Life really is awesome. I'm awesome. And so are you (or if you aren't, you can and should be). There's nothing awesome about wallowing in negativity.

Cast off the negative and be awesome. I'm doing it and it's... well, it's awesome!