Nothing Wrong With Me

As I settle into the excitement of another school year, I reflect on a summer very different than I anticipated (and in some ways uncomfortable) and realize that it was…good.

For a number of reasons, theatre is my primary social outlet—the structure of a production provides a framework within which I know my place, and the collaborative nature of theatre makes relating with one another expected—and when I’m not in a production I find myself slipping into a more solitary (and lonely) pattern. While perhaps it is my nature to be solitary, it is not my desire, which is among the reasons theatre is so important to me—theatre is my ‘ohana and I love it and those who inhabit it intemperately.

For four months now (and counting), by my own choice I’ve been apart from that context, and for much of that time I’ve been somewhat idle, too—while for teachers summer isn’t the idyllic repose others imagine it to be, it is outside the classroom and sans students—leaving me to my own devices and solitary vices.

And it’s been lonely.

Of course I could have invited myself into the lives of my fantastic friends and I would have been welcome, but outside the production context, I just don’t. Everyone has work, everyone has rehearsal…it feels like an imposition, even if intellectually I know better. So I just don’t.

I had the opportunity to be in a show this summer, and I chose not to be. I knew the price of that decision when I made it, and while the price was high, I feel good about that decision and more importantly, I feel good about my reasons for doing what I did. While I confess the importance of theatre to me as a social outlet, I am a theatre artist, and the artistic aspects of theatre outweigh even the substantial heft of the social element. I made a hard choice for a good reason, when it would have been easy to compromise to avoid solitude.

What made it good—good despite the loneliness and idleness, good despite missing my theatre family—is that I actually felt I was in good company. I found myself contemplating the growth I’ve experienced in the last year, and calling it “good.” I spent a lot of time with and on me, and it felt fine. I didn’t like being lonely, but for the first time ever it didn’t make me feel insignificant or unimportant or unvalued. It gave me time to process all that’s changed since RENT closed, to find places in me to celebrate and cherish all I’ve become.

With school back in session, I have a focal point in my students and my teaching practice, which eases the loneliness. And while nothing is promised, I hope to be back in rehearsal soon. I look forward to being back in my element. In the meantime, I’ve gained another measure of peace and contentment, knowing that whatever my circumstances, I’m okay and more than okay.
There’s nothing wrong with me.